Some of you know that way more than I do, a middle aged, white woman with a fair amount of privilege. But I have had my moments. I’m not comparing my experience with anyone else’s, so read this with a grain of salt and see if you relate anywhere along the story.
I received a phone call this morning, completely randomly and out of the blue from a significant person from a former place of employment. It was a job that was one of the hardest jobs I’ve ever had and while some of you know parts of that story, I’m not going to go into it here. It was hard from the first day I showed up.
A bit of back story
(Ok, I guess I am going to go into a bit of it…) I, and in fact we – my husband and I, were hired to share a position that entailed making great changes in an organization. From the very beginning what they said they wanted and what they really wanted were two different things. They wanted change, but they didn’t want anything to change.
You know the story line. “We want great success, but we don’t want to shift anything that is currently happening,” which was not great success. They wanted a balanced budget, but were unwilling to really look at why it was so out of whack or take the actions that were necessary.
An event happened – an absolute, designed to tear apart and break down, doing by a single employee that undermined all the structures of order; and the fusing we were experiencing when from low grade to high level anger, feet in the sand resentments and utmost blame. Yet, we stood our ground. Many times we wondered if we should have left in that moment – it certainly would have been easier on me and us.
We stood in what we knew to be right; as the expertise they hired, and took bullets. Every change we wanted to make, we had to fight for. And we fought, for the greater good of that organization and it was a hard fight. There were many people who stood against us.
Then it was time to leave and things got even uglier. Because of the role we were in and basic human resource laws we could not speak into what was really happening, so we took it. Took the blame, the disappointment, the anger and everything else that was shot our way.
The Brutality
In the world of hatred today, it may be minor; but inside my psyche, it was brutal. Then in the last moments, after an agreed upon exit plan, we were dismissed once again. I believe it was their fear that caused all the actions, but there were also personality battles raging.
I had held my own fairly well, as far as my emotional and spiritual health, but physically I got sick. Sicker than I’ve ever been before and it was in that low point of my body failing that I came to the realization that my life was more valuable to me than the role I was serving in.
But the end, just when I thought it was all coming together; there were once more monkey wrenches thrown in and the combatting continued. We fought for our rights this time as employees, that were clearly defined in our contract, and won some; lost some. I lost hope; I lost faith in humanity; I was beaten down and my own anger emerged.
I can feel my frustration even now, writing this; from those last days. As much as I’ve doing my healing work, my forgiveness and moving on; the wound felt as fresh this morning, as this person called as it did over 3 years ago.
Why did he call?
To Thank us. To Acknowledge us; the work we did and how hard it was. Just as quickly as the feelings came up; there were washed away.
Forgiveness, Compassion and Appreciation in Acknowledgement
I’m not sure he apologized, but he did acknowledge our efforts and the deep, hard, important work we did.
He acknowledged that they would not be where they were today, without what we did for and with them.
It is a bittersweet moment for me. I’m grateful. I’m humbled. I’m appreciative and I feel acknowledged in a way I didn’t realize was still important.
It’s hard to be hated.
It’s hard to be the voice of reason in disfunction. It’s hard to do the right thing when everyone around argues it. Yet, it pays off in the end.
Thank you to the one who called today. I am blessed and am basking in the release of another layer of those times. I have such appreciation for the effort you took to reach out. I feel freed of an energetic tie that I didn’t realize was still there. I am freed and so are they.
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Love the ones you love; Love the ones you struggle with; Love yourself for only Love is Love.
Biggest Blessings and an extra special dose of love to you!
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